The “Turkey Dump” and 3 Tips to Avoid It
I met my two best friends during an overnight the summer before our first semester of college. We clicked instantly! The POD was formed! I remember sometime during that overnight, once we learned the three of us all had long-term relationships that were going to turn long-distance, we made a pact to stay with our long-term boyfriends…
…yeah, that lasted maybe through the second week! And then a few months later, the second one of us broke up with her boyfriend. I was the sole member of the POD who was still with their boyfriend. Spoiler Alert! We didn’t make it! We ended up making it through the new year but broke up around Easter.
The sad fate of the POD’s long-distance romantic relationships is common—a mere 2% of long-distance relationships that started in high school and transition into college survive. Most of these relationships end in a similar fashion and on a timeline that mimics the POD’s, by Thanksgiving! Hence “Turkey Dump!” It’s the first-time couples see each other after starting college and do the most honorable thing and break each others’ hearts in person.
Who’s to blame for turkey dumping? The first thing to remember is that no-one is. Let me say that again, when a long-distance relationship ends, it is nobody’s fault...there was simply a very strong force at play—attraction theory.
We’re attracted to people who are physically close to us…which your significant other is not if you are in a long-distance relationship. So when that fine looking man in your class is looking finer by the day. Or that cute woman in the library (please go to the library!) is looking cuter by the study block…it does not mean you’re a bad person or partner, it just means you are human, and humans follow attraction theory. Simply by seeing someone more often, they become more attractive to you. And no, you have no control over this, you can’t will yourself not to be attracted to someone because you are in a loving and meaningful long-distance relationship. Attraction is housed in a portion of our brain that is not controlled by your will.
If you started college and are in a long-distance relationship, but you don’t want your relationship to be a turkey dumping stat, here are three things that may help:
Arrange to see each other at least once every few months.
This is huge for any long-distance relationship! If you can’t afford, both financially (and don’t even think about taking student loans out to cover the cost of traveling to see your long-distance boo! Remember 2% last!) and time wise, to see each other at least every few months the you are not the 2%.
My two best friends’ relationships ended as quick as they did because they were in season (volleyball players) and could not get away to spend time with their boyfriends, and those football players were looking finer by the day and such smooth talkers! I, on the other hand, was not in season and my boyfriend chose to visit frequently--leading us to last past Thanksgiving, but not the long haul due to other issues.
I do know from experience that this tip helps! My husband and I were long distance for our whole courtship and the first year of marriage. But we survived because my boyfriend at the time, now husband, was an engineer and could afford to pay for one of us to fly to the other every month.
Schedule regular virtual date nights.
Take full advantage of the internet! You want to see your significant other regularly. Remember that darn attraction theory?! In addition to communicating at a frequency that allows you two to feel close, but not suffocated, schedule regular virtual date nights. Pick a show or movie and start it at the same time while you FaceTime/Skype/Zoom with your significant other. Talk about the show or movie. Cook and eat together. Do homework together. This allows the two of you to provide support to each other during challenges.
The POD didn’t have video streaming when we were in college. Maybe our relationships would have lasted, but probably not!
This is something that my husband and I would do throughout our long-distance years. I remember one night when I was super thankful Skyping with my husband as I formatted by dissertation and showed less than ideal emotion regulation. He was there and provided support.
Exchange a gift box.
What college student doesn’t love to receive a package? Just me? Oh! Okay! I bet you can’t guess what my love language is! But in all seriousness. Get a box, preferably a small one, again, you’re a broke college student! And take turns finding, creating, or buying things to send to your significant other. This gives you and your significant other something to look forward to especially during the longer breaks between visits. It also gives you reminders of your significant other—attraction theory! You see the item and your brain gives you an image of your significant other! Ding! An item, like a sweatshirt, smells like your significant other and your brain gives you another image of your significant other. Ding! You’re making daily deposits into your attraction bank!
My high school boyfriend would bring me these tortilla chips that I loved but couldn’t get at college. I thought of him whenever I chomped on those delicious salty snacks! My husband and I exchanged a gift box which we still have to this day in our basement.
Final thoughts.
There you have it! Three tips to avoid the dreaded Turkey Dump! But…let’s talk numbers! Statistically, this relationship is probably not going to last. Enjoy it when it’s there. Feel it when it ends. And know, that you’ll find someone who is just as good if not way better than your high school sweetheart that you tried to hold on to against all odds!
Advice for Parents.
Are you a parent of someone in one of these long-distance relationships? Here’s a tip: keep your doubts to yourself! Chances are (again, only 2% survive) your child will not be in this relationship come Thanksgiving break. No need to impose your fully developed brain of logic on them! Let them figure it out on their own and simply be ready with a pint of ice cream and two spoons, a shoulder, or throwing a ball around when their heart is broken.