Nag Less! Use Natural Consequences
Let’s go back to 1BC, not before Christ, but before COVID. It was a Sunday in March in Northwest Ohio, where it’s really cold and windy, and my family was getting ready for church. We were at the point that you dread, at least if you are similar to us and have twin 2.5 year olds and a 6 month old—we wanted the kids to put their shoes and coats on. Charlotte, our girl twin, put her shoes and coat on with no grief. As did Chloe, the baby, but…does she really have a choice? Connor, our boy twin, is another story!
He looks at us and says, “No!”
I respond by looking at Connor and say, “Bud, it’s really cold outside. And we have to walk a really long distance (imagine the length of a football field) to get into church. And you’re going to be cold.”
He looks at me, and goes “No.”
My husband, the mechanical engineer, looks at me and says, “You’re the clinical child psychologist. What do we do?”
I pause, look at my husband and say, “Natural consequences.” And my husband knows exactly what I mean by that…
We got the twins, the baby, and ourselves into the car, Connor sans any outerwear. And as we’re walking towards church that day, in that cold weather, about 15 yards in, Connor in a whiny tone says, “Mama, I’m cold!”
So I bent down, made eye contact, wrapped my arm around his waist. And said, “Bud, I told you to get your coat on, but you chose not to listen. If you promise, to put your coat on when I tell you to, I’ll let you come under my poncho with me.”
He looks at me with a little chatter in his teeth, and says, “I promise, Mama.” I picked him up, put him under my poncho and we walked the rest of the distance cuddled together.
Natural consequences are a way to parent without nagging. Who likes to be nagged? Nobody! And who enjoys nagging? Surely, I don’t!
Natural consequences, allow people to learn from the consequences that naturally come from the choices they make. And as parents, allows us to maintain relationships with our kids because we aren’t nagging them. We allow them to learn from their mistakes. We allow them to fail. But therein lies the challenge—because as parents, we don’t want them to struggle. But you’re doing them a disservice if you don’t incorporate natural consequences into your parenting practices because it allows them to learn without you ever having to say a word. They learn and you maintain the relationship! It’s a win-win!
And natural consequences don’t solely work for the parent-child relationship. They work on significant others, siblings, employees, and dogs! Because again, no one likes to be nagged!
Let’s fast forward to April 2020. Again, we are getting ready to leave the house, but this time it’s just me, my husband is at work. So now I have twin 3.5 year olds and a 1.5 year old. I instruct the kids to get their shoes and coats on. Charlotte and Chloe go to the closet, grab their shoes and coats, and put them on.
I look at Connor and say, “Connor, bud, get your coat on.” He pauses, because at the end of the day he is still a rascal, gives me a sly look, he says, “Okay, mama.” Grabs his shoes and coat and puts them on. And out the door we go to have a great day. What do you say? Hey! Hey!
Some of my favorite natural consequences include allowing:
Children to get their fingers pinched in drawers
Children to be cold because they refused to put their coats or other outerwear on
Teens to get bad grades because they chose not to do their homework
Teens to receive teasing from their peers for undesirable social behaviors
Your significant other to be late because they struggle to manage their time (you go ahead without them)
Your significant other to experience gastrointestinal problems because of their food or drink choices